This investigator thanks the people who have asked all these questions and thanks you so much for this forum and your answers. Many questions are also my own. I have one question I have not yet seen: My wife has no interest in investigating LDS and I am driven to learn everything I can. I have the very best missionaries possible and long for each next meeting with them. My wife is jealous of the time I spend studing and the time I spend with other mormons, especially my missionaries, though she sees and appreciates the wonderful changes she sees in me. I think she is afraid I may be on a journey that will leave her behind. I keep reassuring her that I married her for the rest of my life but she continues to feel insecure. I regularly invite her to join me in my investigation and she says this is not for her. Unfortunately she drinks alcohol and after a few drinks she starts attacking me trying to get me into an argument where I might say something mean or unkind, building her case for being even more angry with at me. I have tried saying nothing, leaving the house, and have thought of just going into another room to kneel and pray showing her a different way of me handling her needling. I am hoping I will eventually show her how wonderfully my faith has changed my life. Any thoughts would be welcome as to how to respond during the attacks. Thanks, John

John from Denver, 10/12/2009

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AllAboutMormons.com Webmaster from La Jolla, California:




Dear John,

Let me start by saying how much I admire you. :) It's hard enough to change our lives and dedicate ourselves to Christ in the best of circumstances. It takes real dedication to do what's right even when we face opposition. May God bless you as you strive to learn more about His Son and the gospel that He has restored in our days.

I'm happy to hear that you've enjoyed the time you've spent with the missionaries. Here are some suggestions that might help you and your wife:
  1. Be sure to spend time with your wife. I think it's excellent that you are getting to know the other members of your ward and that you are learning with the missionaries. I strongly encourage you to continue! That having been said, perhaps you could reserve Friday nights as a special “Date Night.” Of course your wife's fears that Mormonism will “consume” you are not rational, but those fears are nevertheless real to her. Try to reassure her by scheduling time just for the two of you.
  2. When you do spend time with your new Mormon friends, invite your wife to come along. Even if she's not interested in the Church, she can still form friendships with Church members. Try to include her as much as she's willing.
  3. I think it's excellent that you reassure your wife that you do not plan to leave her. You are of course correct that the Church does not want to break up families. In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul clearly teaches: “…If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away… For… the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband... How knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?” (1 Corinthinas 7:12-16). Perhaps, if you think it would be appropriate, you could share that scripture with your wife to reassure her.
  4. It's unfortunate that your wife drinks alcohol. Regardless of whether or not she ultimately joins the Church, she should get help, especially if it is affecting your marriage. According to the DSM-IV, a patient suffers from alcohol dependence (“alcoholism”) if at least three of the following occur within any one-year period:
    • Alcohol tolerance
    • Alcohol withdrawal
    • Alcohol consumption in progressively greater amounts or over a longer time course than intended
    • Unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control alcohol use
    • Spending a great deal of time obtaining, using, or recovering from use
    • Social, occupational, or recreational activities abandoned or reduced
    • Continued use despite knowledge of physical or psychological consequences.
    If you think your wife might be an alcoholic, lovingly encourage her to seek the help of a professional. I think you are right to avoid confrontation with her when she's drunk. I'm told it is very difficult to reason with drunk people.
  5. I think it's excellent that your wife recognizes the positive changes that have occurred in your life as you've investigated the Church. Perhaps you could further emphasize, in a casual way, the cause-and-effect relationship between the Church and those positive changes. Try to get her to see that your Church membership will ultimately help strengthen your marriage by making you into an even better husband.
May God bless you, John, as you continue on this exciting journey of spiritual discovery! Best of luck to you.

There's a far better way to learn about Mormons! If you have questions, consider inviting Mormons that live in your area to visit with you in your home!

Pamela Dean from Clarenville:



Hi John from Denver, Personally I think you are handling it very well right now. If you persevere, she will see that you are serious about wanting to be LDS and her heart may be softened when she sees the positive changes in your life. Will she ever be a member? Who knows? But your example in following the Lord is something that will and does affect her, and she is probably struggling with that very much. I might offer a few words of suggestion...

1. Explain to her that you are fine if she does not feel the same way you do, but that you would like her to know about what you are learning. That you respect her choices, and want her to know what it is that you are choosing.

2. Continue to reassure her with regards to wanting to be married to her... But I would add one further thing. As an LDS, you don't want to be married "til death do you part." You want to be married in the temple for time and all eternity, in other words, forever. Let her know you love her so much that you want to be with her forever and that is one of the blessings you hope to find by becoming a member.

3. This article may give you some more ways to handle the conflict that arises.

4. This article may also be useful to you.

Wishing you many blessings...

John from Denver:


Thank you so much for your responses.  Just so you know, I had the wonderful experience of being baptized October 11, and am studying my brains out.  Also, things are better with my wife.  I am so impresses with your website!!!   As my wife asks me questions I just print out sections of your website that pertain to her question.  Someday soon I will be able to know all this myself but for a newbie your site is incredibly helpful.  I just noticed your section on how to increase your site's usefulness to others.  I will tell everyone in our church how helpful your site is for investigators or anyone else we meet who might want more HONEST info on Mormonism and suggest they post their testimonies.   I think I will print out some "business cards' to give out to people I talk to about LDS with my name, phone, and your email address, as well as the LDS.org site. Some people just want to investigate for themselves until they can see that what they have been told are misconceptions.   10,000 thanks for this site.  I hope I can find a calling a fraction of what this does for people searching for the Church of Jesus Christ.  John
Webmaster from La Jolla, California:




Hi John! I was so happy to hear about your  baptism and that things are improving with your wife. Your eagerness to study and learn more about the church is  thrilling to me.   I love to go to church and often feel the spirit there. Church attendance keep our spiritual engines primed. However, most of my most profound spiritual experiences have come during private study/pondering on my own. I definitely don't know everything, but I do know that as we dedicate ourselves to studying and pondering Christ and his Gospel, we truly do grow closer to Him.  Feel free to send more questions my way if you like! Answering other peoples' questions forces me to study and ponder and so does me a world of good. :)
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