In 1996, I went through all the missionary lessons and got baptized in the church. I received the Aaronic Priesthood and all was well. I then started my own private research on the history of the church. This process filled me with doubt and dissapointment. After much reflection and a painfull battle within myself, I had my name removed from the membership rolls. I was aware that this move would cancel my baptism. Since then, my soul has been at pain. Part of me feels that I might have made the biggest mistake of my mortal life. I still read the LDS scriptures and have continued my spiritual study. I keep up with the church and read everything there is to read, especially the General Conferences. I, now more then ever, feel that my removal by my own hands was a rush to judgement. I have come to accept that the prohpet(s) are human beings and that they often failed God more then once. (all prophets, including in the Bible) so here I am left in the present with a tormented soul. Why have I kept up with everything to do with the LDS church? Why is it that I seem to feel in the deepest part of my being that what I read and study (General Conferences and other church articles) makes complete sense. Now my question: "How do I find my way back?"

Loyaleagle from San Diego, 6/10/2009

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AllAboutMormons.com Webmaster from La Jolla, California:




Wonderful answers were given here, much better than I could have given. It sounds like you already have a correct understanding of Church history, but, for others that might be reading your question, I wanted to point out an article I recently wrote entitled "Church History is Threatening my Testimony."

God bless you, Loyaleagle, in your journey back home.
Pamela Dean from Clarenville:



Dear Loyaleagle,

I can imagine that one of the things that torments you is self-consciousness. It is a huge matter to admit one's mistakes, face those who witnessed your mistakes, ask for forgiveness and help, and still hold your head high. Self-consciousness can be a very humbling experience, and unless one keeps the eternal perspective in mind, can also be a heart-wrenching experience. With that in mind, I'd like to share with you a few words from Elder Holland from the November 2005 Liahona magazine. Although the article is written to the young women, he says that many of the points are applicable to everyone within the church. In particular, these are the words I find most comforting:

"I want you to... know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit [child] of Heavenly Parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature [adult]hood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And he knows what you can become through faith in him. Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in his sight and are empowered through obedience to become a rightful heir in his eternal kingdom, an “[heir] of God, and joint-[heir] with Christ."

I pray you will remember these words as you continue your journey back to the fold. Blessings and prayers to you.

Richard from Provo:


"And so on unto the second and third time; and as oft as thine enemy repenteth of the trespass wherewith he has trespassed against thee, thou shalt forgive him, until seventy times seven." Sounds like you want to repent of your having your named removed from the church. Well even if you completly give up on Jesus or his church I can testify that he will never give up on you. Search out and read the talk by D. Chad Richardson entitled "Forgiving Oneself". Go talk to your current bishop, confess you mistake and let him guide you back into full fellowship. Remember there is nothing we can do that will have God give up on us. Paul to the Romans tells us: "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Keep your chin up. You now know the steps and I feel that you knew this was the correct course of action even before you asked your question. Best of luck and welcome back.

Michael from Pittsburgh, PA:


I too know what it is like to leave the church only to realize what a big mistake it was. It took me a lot of soul searching and prayer to realize this is the Lord's true church established on this earth. The great thing about this gospel is that even though we leave (I too had my name removed) we can come "home again." If you want to come back, first I suggest contacting the missionaries in your area and they can begin to help you. Next step is to go to church and meet with the bishop. He will be more than glad to help you return to full membership. As I should know, my re-baptism is next month. Goog luck with your journey.

J from Henderson, NV:


I can imagine the torment you are going through must be quite severe, and I will pray for you. You went through a phase where you researched, and you concluded something that many people have concluded in terms of church history, but many people fail to realize what you later realized, "The prohpet(s) are human beings." Consider it a blessing that you realized this. I went through the same phase as you, and essentially wrote the gospel off as something that I could not support because of my findings; largest mistake of my life. Remember, the earth has only been blessed with one perfect human being, and his name is Jesus Christ. Everyone else was expected to say and do some weird things. Never over look the feeling you get deep down inside when embracing the gospel. This is the manifestation of the Holy Ghost. This is all you need to know the truthfulness of the gospel. So, when I realized my mistake, I went to lds.org and used the application that finds your ward through you typing in your home address. Use this to find when and where your ward meets, and set up an appointment to meet with your bishop. He is there to guide you and I am certain he will help you as long as you are honest and open. Just remember these three things:

1. The church is here on the earth to perfect the saints, it is not here for only perfect saints. We make mistakes, and the church is here to help us repair our mistakes.

2. Getting back what you had might take a little while in respect to mortal time, but the decision to come back will help you gain an eternity.

3. It doesn't matter where you have been, it just matters where you are going.

Anonymous from Phoenix:


All is not lost! As a matter of fact, all can be regained! Simply go to the bishop who resides in the ward that you live in. Tell him your story. He will immediately discern that you're very sincere! That you're repentant! He will help you go through the process of receiving your former blessings!!! Go now!!!
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