I was raised in the LDS church but left at age 20 because I felt uncomfortable in the YSA ward. You see, I’m asexual and the very thought of dating and/or intimacy is terrifying and revolting to me. Everyone thought it was because I was shy, not because I feel absolutely no attraction. In any case, I came to dread Sunday and would go home and cry because I felt so inadequate and confused. I watched my sister date and marry and have a child (with another on the way) and feel like I’m broken. I’m 24 now and ironically, my dad is the YSA bishop. I’m debating whether or not to return. On the one hand, I miss the spiritual aspect of church, but the second marriage is mentioned I’m likely to have a meltdown. I did date a non-mormon guy for a few weeks, but called it off after he tried to kiss me. I realized I’m a people-pleaser and am likely to get hurt letting them take it farther than I’m okay with out of the sense of I “should” let them. I’m lonely. I don’t want to live alone with my dog for the rest of my life and my heart cries every time I see my mom and sister get together to do homemaking and family things. I love kids and work as a teacher and would probably make a great mom, but I refuse to let a man touch me. I wish the church would address the issue. I was such a happy and fulfilled church member until the YSA ward. Now I don’t know where I belong.

Jayne from Casper,

2 Responses to “I was raised in the LDS church but left at age 20…”

Leonardo Castro
2017-11-12 09:05:31
Hi sister. Thanks for your very interesting question. Let me make a few comments in hopes of helping.

1. While asexuality is uncommon, it's hardly unheard of, whether inside or outside of the church. I don't know if it helps you to know that you're not alone, but thankfully you're not! :) There certainly is a place for people like you in the church.

2. Many people who aren't asexual can't marry for a myriad of other reasons. While these folks might not understand asexuality specificially, they can certainly understand your frustration with the central role marriage understandably plays in Mormon culture. I say this, again, to help you understand that there are folks in the church in similar situations. You shouldn't feel alone or isolated worshipping with us. Perhaps finding other Mormon folks in these kinds of situations could provide some of the support you need.

3. As I'm sure you know, it's not reasonable to expect church members or others to avoid the topic of marriage. Marriage is very important for most people, and it's central in our theology.

4. On the other hand, it is reasonable to expect others not to insist that you personally get married. That's a private matter. Feel free to kindly invite others, whether member of the church or not, to respect your privacy.

5. If you feel there is more pressure to marry in the YSA Ward, feel free to go to your local home ward instead. Young adults aren't required to attend YSA Wards. I myself spent many of my single years attending regular wards.

6. Theologically speaking, it's important that you understand that your asexuality need not impede your spiritual progress. While marriage is important for Mormons, there are some who, through no fault of their own, cannot marry in this life. The church teaches that these folks will not be denied any blessings if they are otherwise faithful to their covenants. A sex-repulsed assexual should not typically marry. Thanks ok.

7. I understand your worries about loneliness. That's a common concern for many members of the church who can't get married, for whatever reason. I encourage you to cultivate your relationships with your parents and siblings. Various kinds of support groups and service organizations could also provide some of the companionship you'll need.

I hope this answers helps! And I hope you understand that there is a place for you in the church. You do belong! It would thrill me to hear that you've come back. All the best.
2017-12-02 20:16:11
I am a divorced LDS woman who is asexual. I don't mind sex and would have it to please my husband if he wanted it. I'm attracted to men but sex is something I could take or leave. I was interested in having children never had any. I wish there were an easier way to get pregnant than sex. Generally sex was a baby making session for me that didn't work out. I concerned myself with doing it at the right time and getting into the right position to conceive. People would tell me it was fun trying. Well I didn't see the fun in it. It was really a matter of getting frustrated when I didn't conceive.

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